Drawing is Fun

The title sounds so simple, yet those three words convey an emotion I haven't felt in a long time. Last night I did it again, I drew a picture I had relatively fun drawing, and that's when I finally connected the fact that it turned out really well for me, and that every time I have fun drawing, I become proud of the pieces I create. I've hardly been an active artist for a long time, and while I said I was on hiatus in September, to be honest one could count that my hiatus has been going on since 2010. I only created because I felt I had to. I felt like it was a chore, when I remembered the younger years, when I drew all the time. While I agree my art during that period was sub-par to my standards now, I recall having fun doing so. I finally decided that this month will be the month I make a breakthrough, where I will end this hiatus and go back to being an active, fun-having artist. I already have some ideas on what to draw too!

Hobby vs. Career

I once asked myself as to why I'm so into drawing if it's not going to be my career. The question has popped up a lot ever since I've made friends who put their art to amazing projects and plan on making a career out of their art. I'm the oddball in this situation, since I want to be a pâtissier (pastry chef) instead of a graphic desiner, game designer or manga artist like some of my amazingly talented friends. I'm not envious of them though, instead I root for them, knowing they have a lot of motivation and will, I can see the future to them. That's not me though, I cannot draw for long periods of time for the sake of a job. I draw for myself, to put my ideas to fruition, and most of all, for fun. I've always enjoyed drawing, as long as I was a kid to be precise. My drawings aren't really great compared to many others, but I still enjoy it. That's why I've decided to become a chef, and to keep drawing as my hobby. I want to enjoy baking as a job, and achieve my dream to open my own cafe. However, I will also keep it in myself to draw for my free time, which is suitable for me. I've felt frustrated for a time now, since I would compare myself to these other artists, and feel like my drawings are never good enough, but when I realize what I want to do with my life compared to others, it helps put me at ease. I don't know, point in case is, I respect and idolize these people I've mentioned, but I want to head down my own path, but keep drawing a huge part of my life. I know it's possible and I will make it in both ways.

Depression is like a parasite.

I've been aware that depression does things like makes you sad, emotionally weak, low self-confidence, and I've been aware that depression makes you literally sick. I've been aware of this before I found out via research.

Every day I feel it eating away at me from the inside.

Every day I feel another crack form in my spirit, slowly bringing it closer to shattering.

I just woke up from bed, unable to sleep as I find another futile remedy for my depression. Right now I'm attempting talking to friends and listening to music.

Ironically while people like to symbolize the rain and sun as depression and happiness respectively, I love the rain the most, and rainy days put me in a good mood.

Oh how I long to be permanently happy. How I would love to see all this depression wash away, how I can just eventually laugh to my hearts desire. How I would love to see my eventual problems be solved with a calm and solid mind, and not allow them to take my mind over.

Someday.

Your art has nothing to do with how much you piss me off.

In fact if I think you're a total jackass, I see your art as a "not-so-pretty" thing, to put it as lightly as I can. They say art is the window to the soul, that how you see the person is how you see the art. A person can be the best artist in the world, but if they were known to do horrid acts such as kicking puppies for a sport, one's opinion about everything they do can be built around that act.

Today I found an artist (who I will leave unnamed) that has art that appears to be good, making a lot of neat stuff, but when a misunderstanding caused her to jump to conclusions, she began to act sour in internet public, having tons of fans go after this one person who unintentionally made her mad. This disgusts me.

Another clear example is my last girlfriend. At first she appeared kind, loving and such, and I thought she had cute art. However, after she cheated on me, called ME out for yelling at her for said cheating, and ran off with another guy, I began to resent her, and my view on her art made nearly a 180. I guess that's how human nature works, huh? Our emotions dominate our view of the world, and makes us have personal vendettas against some things.

I will rant about "art" another time.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother

The question that comes to my mind often, especially when I'm troubled is why do I bother trying to be friendly or try to make friends? It appears I am nothing but an annoyance that needs to be swatted away. When I talk to someone, I get the impression that on their end, in their deep thoughts, they think such thoughts as "Why is he talking to me? Why won't he leave me alone?" 

I'm sorry, but I'm just about ready to give up trying to be friendly. Maybe I should go back to secluding myself to my own things. Sammi's the only one that really has a tolerance for me and even then I'm beginning to wear her patience thin...

My deepest apologies, I wish I could be in a much better state of mind to post something much more optimistic, but I have nothing optimistic to say!

Remembering my origins

Just about an hour ago, I was surfing the internet, and decided to stop by Amazon to see if there was anything to catch my eye, something to help get my mind off depressing subjects. One type of thing I love purchasing are art books, whether they are art collection books, or how-to's, because learning from others is always important to me. While I was searching for instructional books, I found a related search that sparked an old memory...

...Ed Emberley.

In case you don't know who that is, he is known for publishing drawing books aimed at children, using instructions that are extremely easy to follow, and using shapes, letters and numbers as references (Ex: to draw a snake, start with an "S" shape, etc.). He believed anyone can learn to draw.

Then nostalgia hit me harder than anything else has in the long while. This man is the sole reason I began drawing in the first place. I remember checking out his collection of drawing books from the public library when I was young and my dad would take me. I remember occupying my time to learn how to draw awesome animals, robots, people and vehicles using simple shapes. Then my drawing talent was born. I realized I've been drawing since I've learned to pick up a pencil, and I haven't taken the time to appreciate how long I've been drawing and how far I've gotten. Sure my pace is nowhere as fast as others I know, but it's not a race! I forget that sometimes, and I laugh every time I realize how foolish it is to think so. I look back and see the distance, and it helps push me towards getting more practice in and going further. We all have our own paces, and I may be going slower than others, but that's alright. I've loved drawing ever since I've been looking at Ed Emberley's books, and I still love drawing today. It's my passion, and it always will be. I may be discouraged sometimes, but I try to remind myself otherwise.

In other news, Sammi has recently gotten me into Black adder, an old British comedy show, and I seem to love it so far.

I hate not having motivation...

So seeing that a friend of mine had made a blog here, I decided to "follow the leader" if I term it as such, and make one here myself. I suppose this is where I'll be posting my thoughts, since I think it would be wise to. Moving on!

Since this year has begun I keep telling myself "I'm going to draw something that will blow my mind away!" and try to impress myself. Yet when I sit down and prepare myself, all that motivation goes flying out the window. I either spend the rest of the night looking at things on the internet, playing a game or sulking on my latest depression. Even as I am typing this, I have my 2011 sketchbook sitting on my desk, its pages mostly empty (only one page has stuff in it). It's already May, almost halfway through the year (the time sure flies!) and I haven't even started letting my creativity flow.

...Why?

Why is that? I know the answer should be there in front of me... but why can't I figure it out? I have the ideas, I have the motivation while thinking, yet when it comes to actually drawing, everything I conjured up during the day has all of a sudden withdrew back into the depths of my mind, awaiting for another day to be used.

In other news, I'm a good amount done renewing my room to give it a more relaxed, mature feel. I haven't replaced any of my furniture since I was 10, and now that I'm 21, I felt it was about time.

-Richie